Beards: Natures Make-up

This entry is inspired by the much maligned, the underrated, the always special; beard.

I’ve come to the (maybe misguided) conclusion that beards are the best thing in the world. Nearly, the best. They are in my top five. Please feel free to speculate what my top five would be.

I think the fact the beards exist at all is testament to their superiority, from an evolutionary perspective. Of course there are arguments that spring up to antagonise this but I’ll thank you not to post comments of an anti-beard nature around here. This will result in exclusion from the misty zone.

I think modern society’s tendency to shy away from beards is a new thing. Say in the last 25 years. Imagine how long beards were the bees knees for? Say 25 thousand years. That means anyone who argues against beards is in agreement with 0.001 % of human kind. That means you are wrong.





I think the pinnacle of a good beard is a good bit of colour change. I am biased towards a good bit of ginger. Not all ginger, and certainly not in combination with ginger up top (or below for that matter). A nice sophisticated ginger section. Some people prematurely grey in beardal zone for effect. I think it is supposed to attract the female eye to someone who is special and different and therefore evolutionarily superior. Its like a mane. Its like a deer’s antlers. Its like a crabs claws. And its warm and can act as something to wipe your hands on when cooking naked.

Beards are so special that one could argue that they should not be worn all the time. They are nature’s makeup for men. You should use a beard only for a special occasion. Every man looks, and more importantly feels better with a beard. The confidence and invulnerability factor is not essential to the true beard wearer. He doesn’t need it of course, but feels like sharing this inward sense of awesomeness outwardly. Maybe as a warning. Maybe as an invitation.

Paradoxically, the beard wearers allure maybe increased by the removal of his beard. Do not dwell on this seeming contradiction. This merely proves that the beardy bloke is a double agent, posing in the world of “shavers” to gain intelligence and get a break from the hordes of women he would otherwise have to satisfy.

Think about this next time you see a graceful beard wearer and you will agree, I am sure. Either that or you just read the rant of a man drunk on beardy power, blindly charging into the dangerous world of beard politics and popular opinion.