Gullible fool or lucky sod

Every now and then I think we all come accross what i like to think of as a, "this is how porno's start", moment. I felt that an offer I recently received is close enough to a moment of this nature to merit a return to the misty zone.

So I am at the gym, just like any gym you are likely to visit. a university gym. Doing gym stuff. In an out of character moment for me i found myself conversing with a member of the fairer sex in the gym. generally i adopt a strictly business approach at the gym. time and place sort of jazz.

she suggested i attend one of the less manly fitness classes. i voiced my disdain for said type of fitness and something along the lines of that i could do that sort of stuff with one hand tied behind my back. It is probably a good time to mention that this girl is of the fit persuasion, in both the cardio and cockney slang senses of the word. It was silly to brag. I maintained I was adament i could defeat this class before breakfast the following day. I was inviting a reaction from this lady, that is why i said it. but i did not expect the reaction she juiced at me.

she says "I bet you do not turn up tomorrow."
i say "What do you bet. Make it worth my while."
she says "ok."
i said "go on then, what do you bet."
(at this stage i got that little tickle between my balls and my anus _my banus_ that signalled to me that i should grin and brace myself for the something either really good or really bad to happen.)
she looks me dead in the eyes, and in a level calm, conversational voice says, "ok, the winner gets an oil massage from the loser".
I try to maintain composure on the off chance this is my moment. If i burst into histerical laughter at this critical point i risk the potential reality that is an oil massage from a strange attractive woman. I cannot explain the offer. If i maintain too much composure and take this obviously out-there offer too seriously she will think i am some sort of regular receiver of oil massages and probably not want to massage my gear with her oily gym toned thighs. I tried my best in the split second I had to process this to produce something that was not a mess in my pants. . . .
I say, "so i turn up tomorrow and i get an oil massage from you, i do not turn up and i give you an oil massage." i do not smile, no loss of eye contact, no feet shuffling and looking around for hidden cameras, i held fast. i tried to go for gold. i want this to play out into the porno that has been hovering around, never to eventuate my entire life. i could feel her evaluating, testing, probing my worthiness.

a moment of hesitation crosses her face. i seize it before she has too much time to think and blurts out some excuse about brothers wifes party that she needs to vacuum the church for or some shite.
i say, "that hardly sounds fair, it is a pretty easy class isn't it.....", i silently pleaded for my goad to work......
she replies, "if you can stick the session out, no piking, for the whole hour, your massage includes special attention". i shit you not, she said this. i did not even know her name at this point.

at this point i faltered. i had never had the privilige of meeting such sluttyness head on in such an unexpected situation prior to this. i started to crack one. not a smile. not a joke. I started to crack wood. in footy shorts. in the gym. in the face of hot slutty sluttyness i can feel the unmistakable flow of blood that i know, in a matter of seconds i will not be able to conceal. i betray this with a lightning fast (but unfortunately detected...) glance to my junk. her eyes folowed. but thankfully returned to mine. back to the locked eye contact. her eye contact is somewhat different to before. her eyes are a little more glossy, her head is tilted downwards slightly and to the side just a hint. her wieght shifted to one hip just a little more then the other so it seemed to me that her curvy bits all seemed to grow just a little.... i was in deep shit. she knew it. i knew it.

what i like to think of as a 3/4 happened. it was there. it is what it is. the situation is what it is. there is no other possible explanation for this, no glib way to talk my way sideways out of it.

i say," that sounds like a bet. i like winning bets". I worked out the logistics of the session with her (including her name....)and made as graceful and fast exit as humanly possible.

I do not know what will happen tomorrow. this is a great feeling. i have high hopes and sincerely hope i did not miss a chance to complete the elusive "gym pickup" (a cousin of the airport pickup, but that is another story for another day...). i hope that in years to come i am married to this woman so that i can retell this story over and over again, complete with a triumphant ending that will give others hope and inspire people the world over.

if anybody reads this please please please pray to every god that has or will ever exist, beg for me, plead and grovel. she is soooo hot...... PLEASE!!!!!!

Masturbation is the answer

I was having a discussion with my housemate and could not find any logical, ethical, moral or otherwise based problems with the following theory;

"Masturbation can fix anything"

Think about it and I defy you suggest any reason why when faced with turmoil, heartache or crisis in your life you should not turn to masturbation. I bet that this solution would result in less conflict, more love, and generally a better world.

Admittedly discretion is recommended and some fancy footwork may be required to achieve full enlightenment in the PC world we live nowadays.

Do not let anyone get in your way. Throw social convention and conventional ideas on therapy and stigmas surrounding masturbation out the window and get back to basics. Sort yourself out.

This solution makes undeniable physiological sense. Ladies, get some oxytocin happening. Get that euphoria into you and let it do its work in your heady weddy. Let nature take over and fix that achy breaky heart. Forget Billy Ray Cyrus, he is a chump compared to the power of a good bean flick.

Think of it like a drug that you can administer to yourself, that is tailor made to be so good that is considered by mother nature to be adequate motivation for our species to continue the process of existing. Boil it down and thats what you get, a combination of hormones and receptors that are geared to react to this feeling, to lure you into procreating. Thats a pretty important job that those recpetors have evolved to do. Don't waste them.

"But I m more then an animal, i have thoughts and can make choices and don't need to have sexual gratification to be happy". That is the voice of misguided evolutionary superiority suggesting to you that you ignore your brain and your body and to bottle that frustration up, making you into, if you think about it, less then human.

I put it to you that if you ignore your impulses and urges then you are sub human. You are throwing a beautiful gift back in the face of mother nature, spitting in her gorgeous earthy face and and deserve to be de-sexed. Controversial? Maybe. Will embracing this theory cause problems for you in today's society? almost certainly. Should you do it anyway? almost certainly, get into it. I guarantee you will have fun and you sure as shit will be happy.

I'll be back in sec.

All done. much better. oh yeah.

Evidently i prefer the company of a special person as an alternative to widely discussed masturbation. and to clarify i am not a rapid animal, searching for willing victims to satisfy my uncontrollable urges. Contradictory? I feel no reason to explain this paradox.

I just think masturbation does not get the credit it deserves. We should have a public holiday for it. The country can take a day off, reflect and unload, we could be the happiest country in the world.

Courting

You always think there will never be a time that you stand in front of a judge on a possession of explosives charges.

I felt that the day that I faced a court on a charge such as this would be a sad day and that I had lost some sort of proverbial plot. However, having been in said court room facing said charges I can not admit to feeling bad about this. I felt embarrassed at asking an authority figure for a lighter soon after being identified as carrying fireworks. I feel regret that I had to fly interstate to face the music and wear additional cost in the form of a fine. But I like fireworks still. Next chance I get I will enjoy fireworks again. I may not be so brazen in my attempted execution of fireworks but I will not shy away from them. Make of that what you will. Unintelligent assertions of a firework addict high on the tide of lights and the smell of magnesium or realistic expectations of someone who has resolved to enjoy things while he can when he can in a world where these simple pleasures provide the most valuable fuel to the fire of life.

However, I do not want to be in a court room ever again………..